Ugh. I hate insomnia. I hate even more this pseduoinsomnia that likes to hang around me like a depressed cloud. I'm not really suffering from insomnia right now, no, I've suffered from that before where I was lucky to get two hours a sleep for every three days awake. No, this is a fake insomnia where I am simply too bored with sleeping to sleep. If I tried right now, I could sleep, easily. But the problem is I really don't want to.
I'm bored and raging, hypo-manic and it's showing. Little sleep, high sex drive, easily agitated, and very self destructive. I want to cut again, not out of depression or emo fatalistic desperation. I want to cut for the thrill of it, the blood, the damage. I want to feel justified in feeling this crazy.
Sigh.
I can't handle this cooped up feeling. Two more days of "freedom" if you can call it that. Fuck. IDK anymore. No one wants to believe that I'm messed up. Am I that good at lying? I still feel crazy. Damaged. Deranged. Part of me wants to die and end the damn suspense.
Oh lord. Do I want to cut. Destroy something. Be angry. Rage.
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