I guess this is goodbye

Well, this is unfourtnate.
That you, a woman of strong conviction,
and such a strong heart,
would be left so alone.

Even you,
with your lies and crazy conspirarcies,
your hate and utter inablity
to be a sane mother,
even you deserved more.

You tried, so hard,
but you just weren't cut out for that mother thing.
And, well,
I hate to admit this to you but,
mom,
you ruined my life. 

I am by no means a good daughter,
I got that from you,
I suppose.

Still, I loved you.
And I held your hand until you took your last breath.
As poetic and cliche as that is. 
I know you didn't know I was there-
your brain was somewhere else,
drowned in K+, Na+,
electrically imbalanced and lacking shock value,
but goddamnit I was there for you.
I was there for you even if you were never there for me.

Because, beneath the depression and suicide attempts and the
sheer insanity of your life-
you were just a scared little girl, looking for her mom,
abandoned by cruel indiffrerence,
and a childhood lost too quickly.
Beneath the demands and the bitterness,
you were trying damn hard to be the mom you didn't have.
Beneath the illness and disease was the beautiful women I called my mom.


I didn't talk to you for months,
no one did.
And while you hung on,
my sister begged you to accept her forgiveness
for all the shit you did.
I silenlt prayed,
that you would forgive us,
for all we did to you.
And thanked for,
for the brief moment,
we were all together again.

You were a terrible mom,
but goddamn you were my mom.